The Baby was Two Months Old Yesterday
This afternoon I went to the Doctor expecting them to slide a camera inside my body and tell me how bad the cervical cancer really is. It didn't happen for a myriad of reasons, but I was informed that this disease which I now have was directly linked to a case of Chlamydia I was given while I was pregnant. Because of this I now have HPV and of course it could not be a normal form of HPV, I have one of the only 2 out of 130 different strains that causes cancer. There is no cure, this will be with me for the rest of my life. This, to the best of my knowledge was your gift to me. Pregnant with your child living with you, in our house and this is what you give me. It was not something I needed. It is something I could have lived my whole life without, if only you hadn't been so stupid.
I am 20 years old. I was going to be your wife. I had your child. What I needed from you during the last year was for you to step up to the plate and become a man. I needed you to realize that I am not your mother. I do not exist to pick up after you, I do not exist to do your laundry, fix your dinner and take care of your child. I existed to be your partner, I lived honorably with you and knew no other man. I dedicated myself to the creation of our union and our future. I would have stood by you through thick and thin, sicknes and in health. All the promises lovers make, I would have honored. I would have followed you anywhere and supported you in any way. I would have used every resource at my disposal to help you create any future you desired.
What I did not need from you was an unwillingness to pull your share of the load, the lies, the women, the sheer indifference to my love.
Working nearly full time, going to College full time and being pregnant adds up to more than a 40 hour work week. Even if you weren't going to help me you could have at least acknowledged my work rather than disparaging and demeaning my effort. You could have helped me keep our house nicer rather than drinking beer and waiting for me to serve you and I will not live in bug infested squalor. I was not raised to serve, I was taught that husbands and wives were partners. My father did laundry, dishes, anything that needed to be done in addition to traditional male chores. My mother cooked but also helped roof the house. The children did whatever they were told. We were a family. This is what I know, This is what I understand, and this is what I want from my spouse. You have proven that you are not that person.
How could I forgive you, how can I bring myself to accept the fact that while living with me and telling me you loved me, that you decided that one drunken night of unprotected meaningless sex was worth the risk of killing me. Of killing the child I carried within my body, Your child. How could I ever trust you again and how could I love with no trust. I deluded myself once the baby was born. I thought you were worth another try, I thought we were doing so well. Talking about a new house, opening a business that you wanted. You are an accomplished liar. And I am a master of self delusion.
I go back to the doctor Monday and will spend yet another weekend wondering what the results will be. Do you have any idea what it feels like, what goes on in your mind when the word cancer is mentioned in a sentence. Watching my future drift through my mind and wondering if in my mind is the only place I will ever see it. Wondering what will become of my child, a child I have barely begun to know and love. Knowing in the midst of this horror seeping into my life that even during this last week when you knew what what happening to me. You still doshonored me and our child.
Knowing that after hearing of my condition you preceeded to spend the last week making plans to leave me for another woman. A woman from your past that you can not bring yourself to give up. A woman you have not seen in years, a relationship that exists only in your mind or as mesages on your cell phone, on your computer. Little pieces of nothingness. Love without responsibility, without requirements, because it is not real, it is not living in the moment. Yet you are unable to let go and to move on. You hold onto this tattered piece of your youth because you are afraid to face your future.
A future of Diapers, and dishes, and laundry and sleepless nights, of responsibilty of being an example for your children to follow, of being a grownup. Of knowing Love and Family. I understand that we are both still standing on the edge of adulthood. I understand how scary the thought of being responsible for a child and a spouses' entire being is, I share those fears also, but I will overcome my fears and I will go on. I will find a future that my daughter deserves. I will find her a father that will honor her and love her and want to be with her. You have it within you to become that kind of man and I hope some day you choose to do so. It is not the easy way but it is the right way and while difficult, it is the path that brings you love, contentment and joy.
I have to admit to a deceit of my own, at this point, In only one thing have I ever deceived you and while I admit it started off as a lark, a way to appease that small part in me that was afraid you no longer loved me. In this fear and in a desire to know your true heart I became Amy, A picture on Yahoo, a few friendly instant messages, a sincere desire to become your confidant. If only I truly could have. I wanted you to talk to me the way you talk to Amy. To tell ME your dreams, your fears, your desires. And you did, you told all those things you could never say to me to an anonymous voice at the other end of a computer. For some reason this makes it colder. Reading the gloating between the lines, the sheer uncaring about the fact that it was a real persons life you were shredding with your words. To know that you could blithly tell someone you have never even met that you slept with someone else in a moment of drunken haze. Yet you lied continuously to me concerning the same episode.
And to hear you pour out your love for your ex was heartbreaking,
But the heart you broke was mine. I had hoped to hear confirmation of fact that we were doing better I was hoping to hear you say something nice about being with me and the baby. But there was none of that. You complained I didn't trust you and yet you were telling me unknowingly that I was right not to.
I have no need to justify what I did, You justified it for me. I only wish you had had the courage and honor to be honest before, to have told me what was truly in your heart, to have ended this charade before it went this far. You can not have both and I will be lied to no longer. We are not 12, this is not grade school. This world we exist in now has consequenses.
Consequences you have yet to even consider. As bad as this is hurting me, it is also hurting our families.
Your parents who hoped you would choose honor and family over lust and lies. Who wanted to be around their grandchild and watch her grow up. I will not punish them for your stupidity. But yes they already know. Everybody knows. Your secret fears have been exposed. They can be fears no longer. They have become truth.
I have always heard "the truth shall set you free" And it will in so many ways.
The truth has given me the freedom to consider our relationship honestly, to consider what you have truly done. The truth has set you free. Free to discover whether it is the ex you love, free to remain a child for the rest of your life should you desire it. Free to make all your life decisions indpendent of me because I will not be part of that life.
I am 20 years old. I was going to be your wife. I had your child. What I needed from you during the last year was for you to step up to the plate and become a man. I needed you to realize that I am not your mother. I do not exist to pick up after you, I do not exist to do your laundry, fix your dinner and take care of your child. I existed to be your partner, I lived honorably with you and knew no other man. I dedicated myself to the creation of our union and our future. I would have stood by you through thick and thin, sicknes and in health. All the promises lovers make, I would have honored. I would have followed you anywhere and supported you in any way. I would have used every resource at my disposal to help you create any future you desired.
What I did not need from you was an unwillingness to pull your share of the load, the lies, the women, the sheer indifference to my love.
Working nearly full time, going to College full time and being pregnant adds up to more than a 40 hour work week. Even if you weren't going to help me you could have at least acknowledged my work rather than disparaging and demeaning my effort. You could have helped me keep our house nicer rather than drinking beer and waiting for me to serve you and I will not live in bug infested squalor. I was not raised to serve, I was taught that husbands and wives were partners. My father did laundry, dishes, anything that needed to be done in addition to traditional male chores. My mother cooked but also helped roof the house. The children did whatever they were told. We were a family. This is what I know, This is what I understand, and this is what I want from my spouse. You have proven that you are not that person.
How could I forgive you, how can I bring myself to accept the fact that while living with me and telling me you loved me, that you decided that one drunken night of unprotected meaningless sex was worth the risk of killing me. Of killing the child I carried within my body, Your child. How could I ever trust you again and how could I love with no trust. I deluded myself once the baby was born. I thought you were worth another try, I thought we were doing so well. Talking about a new house, opening a business that you wanted. You are an accomplished liar. And I am a master of self delusion.
I go back to the doctor Monday and will spend yet another weekend wondering what the results will be. Do you have any idea what it feels like, what goes on in your mind when the word cancer is mentioned in a sentence. Watching my future drift through my mind and wondering if in my mind is the only place I will ever see it. Wondering what will become of my child, a child I have barely begun to know and love. Knowing in the midst of this horror seeping into my life that even during this last week when you knew what what happening to me. You still doshonored me and our child.
Knowing that after hearing of my condition you preceeded to spend the last week making plans to leave me for another woman. A woman from your past that you can not bring yourself to give up. A woman you have not seen in years, a relationship that exists only in your mind or as mesages on your cell phone, on your computer. Little pieces of nothingness. Love without responsibility, without requirements, because it is not real, it is not living in the moment. Yet you are unable to let go and to move on. You hold onto this tattered piece of your youth because you are afraid to face your future.
A future of Diapers, and dishes, and laundry and sleepless nights, of responsibilty of being an example for your children to follow, of being a grownup. Of knowing Love and Family. I understand that we are both still standing on the edge of adulthood. I understand how scary the thought of being responsible for a child and a spouses' entire being is, I share those fears also, but I will overcome my fears and I will go on. I will find a future that my daughter deserves. I will find her a father that will honor her and love her and want to be with her. You have it within you to become that kind of man and I hope some day you choose to do so. It is not the easy way but it is the right way and while difficult, it is the path that brings you love, contentment and joy.
I have to admit to a deceit of my own, at this point, In only one thing have I ever deceived you and while I admit it started off as a lark, a way to appease that small part in me that was afraid you no longer loved me. In this fear and in a desire to know your true heart I became Amy, A picture on Yahoo, a few friendly instant messages, a sincere desire to become your confidant. If only I truly could have. I wanted you to talk to me the way you talk to Amy. To tell ME your dreams, your fears, your desires. And you did, you told all those things you could never say to me to an anonymous voice at the other end of a computer. For some reason this makes it colder. Reading the gloating between the lines, the sheer uncaring about the fact that it was a real persons life you were shredding with your words. To know that you could blithly tell someone you have never even met that you slept with someone else in a moment of drunken haze. Yet you lied continuously to me concerning the same episode.
And to hear you pour out your love for your ex was heartbreaking,
But the heart you broke was mine. I had hoped to hear confirmation of fact that we were doing better I was hoping to hear you say something nice about being with me and the baby. But there was none of that. You complained I didn't trust you and yet you were telling me unknowingly that I was right not to.
I have no need to justify what I did, You justified it for me. I only wish you had had the courage and honor to be honest before, to have told me what was truly in your heart, to have ended this charade before it went this far. You can not have both and I will be lied to no longer. We are not 12, this is not grade school. This world we exist in now has consequenses.
Consequences you have yet to even consider. As bad as this is hurting me, it is also hurting our families.
Your parents who hoped you would choose honor and family over lust and lies. Who wanted to be around their grandchild and watch her grow up. I will not punish them for your stupidity. But yes they already know. Everybody knows. Your secret fears have been exposed. They can be fears no longer. They have become truth.
I have always heard "the truth shall set you free" And it will in so many ways.
The truth has given me the freedom to consider our relationship honestly, to consider what you have truly done. The truth has set you free. Free to discover whether it is the ex you love, free to remain a child for the rest of your life should you desire it. Free to make all your life decisions indpendent of me because I will not be part of that life.
